Fighting the Battle

I'm pretty sure I am in a battle with my kitchen and dishes. I don't know what it is, but if I don't get that initial load done in the morning, the rest of the day is shot. I just watch the pile grow taller and taller and taller. As if I didn't already think the handful of dishes seemed overbearing I just let the pile grow taller and taller and taller until it is sometimes 4 days later. Seriously, why have I not invested in more paper plates by now!

So, when I get to talk to uplifting people like my sisters, they give me hope, that maybe, just maybe I can get my dishes done. Easy right, open dishwasher, unload, load, repeat. And if I get those done then I could probably wash the counters, sweep the floors, vacuum, pick up toys, pay bills, make phone calls, return emails, shower-I know right, shower, what a concept-check the mail and maybe even get dressed by the time Evan gets home. Sometimes their motivation works. Sometimes I decide it's better to give the dishes some alone time and leave the house. Costco, the park and other fun things seem WAY more urgent than the dishes.

I think that I get so overwhelmed sometimes, because I feel people's eyes, words and judgements on me. When did I become THAT person, that cared what others thought. I know right, letting people's words, manipulations, judgements get to me. Well, I was wrong to let family, friends, strangers and my own insecurities get to me. How could I have let my guard down. I have a husband and two children who need me to be me, rather than the Hilary that is the people pleaser.

So, since August 2011, I cut a few people, unnecessary responsibilities, etc out of my life. It wasn't overnight, I am still working on it, it's a process. But I wanted to come up and out of the clutter of judgements, instructions, guilt trips manipulations, etc and become myself again. Surround myself with uplifting people and circumstances. I quite like myself and want my children and husband to live with the real me, instead of the trying to make everyone, in-laws, people I don't know, acquaintances, etc happy. It's a hard choice to decide yourself and family over anything else, but it just has to be.

Most of the accomplished, happy, successful people I know are where they are because they put their priorities in order, walked hand in hand with the Lord and didn't let Satan discourage them with trivial things which seem huge or become huge. So I am taking my life back. No one else can have it.

Baby steps, right? So, I'm starting the rebuilding process. Little by little I will regain who I am and become more of who I should be. I'm excited, and while it will be hard to cut lots of blur out of my life, it will be worth it to keep on the path Heavenly Father wants for me and my family:)

So, I continue to work on me. It feels great! No, I won't fit the mold of where people think I should be, but that's ok. I am on this journey, I am not on the journey with the peanut gallery. This is a process. I strongly believe in the idea that time heals all things, and works things out how they should. And since everything is in the Lord's timing, I better make sure I am keeping in line with my Heavenly Father so that this can be easier than it is harder.