Thursday, July 25, 2013

Swollen eyes and heart

I am swollen with gratitude for all the love and support I have received over the last week.

Evan and I were planning to see fertility doctors this summer after trying to get pregnant for a year and a half.  I had been working on losing weight(40 lbs so far in a year) so that I could have an easier pregnancy.  We found out we were pregnant in May and were so elated and happy and surprised.

I start showing right away and I just was so excited I started to tell people.  Eventually I just looked pregnant and it was hard to not have people know.  I had some spotting and they had me go in at 5/6ish weeks.  They couldn't find a baby but saw a sac.  I was scared and cried and was told to go to radiology to get a better ultrasound.  The doctor thought I was ectopic(baby in my tubes) but my test results showed that it shouldn't be that way but there was still no baby to be seen.

I had a lot of blood work done, and they said my levels were so high I might have twins.  Because I wasn't bleeding or in pain they let me wait for a few days to get checked again before having me miscarry for a life and death situation that an ectopic pregnancy can put you in.  A few days later, prayers, lots of tears and sadness, Evan and I went in.  There was a baby! I heard a heart beat.  We were so relieved and happy and were happy to move forward.  Lucy and I had been using my phone apps for  baby progress so she could imagine the baby growing, etc.

A week or two later at 8 weeks I went to a real OB appt.  They saw the baby, printed out some pictures for me of the baby and images of the heartbeat.  I was told because of my past two pregnancies, my size, my history I was high risk and would only be seeing the doctors and perinatologist instead of the Pa or nurses.

My next appointment would be the day I turned 13 weeks so I could have Dr. Payne who I wanted to see.  I started thinking that this pregnancy thing was pretty good. I was tired, had to eat every couple hours, emotional, irritable, all the fun pregnancy symptoms but I didn't feel down and out like I had with Lucy and Peter and other symptoms that I had with those two.  I would tell Evan I didn't feel pregnant and wondered if there was still a baby in there. He said I just shouldn't talk that way but it was hard since I had the scare of an ectopic pregnancy and then didn't feel the same-and I get paranoid and ocd.

I continued at my pachanga class, eating well, swimming, walking etc.  Evan was supportive.  I bought maternity clothes which I was so excited for since I had been in the 18+ and higher and now I was fitting size 14 maternity clothes.  My friend offered some clothes to me, that was so exciting because I hadn't been offered clothes before since I was always bigger than everyone.

We had our 7th wedding anniversary July 21st which is incredible to me.  We went to dinner, our babysitter wouldn't let us pay her and we took some pictures together, one of which was a belly shot I was going to use to announce pregnancy on facebook after my appointment Monday.

I went in to my appointment.  Happy, feeling silly I ate so much for the anniversary weekend and knowing I was going to be 2 lbs up since my 8 week appointment..I was trying so hard not to gain weight.  I got weighed in.  The nurse Tish was so nice.  I drank my glucose juice(I had to do that since I had gestational diabetes with Peter) and waited for my new doctor (Dr. Gardner retired).  Dr. Simon Payne.  He is incredible, head of the department and one of the best at what he does-why I wanted him.  One of the kindest men/doctors that I have met..I'm glad I transitioned to him because Dr. Gardner was one of the best.

We talked about worries, things to do, etc.  Then he pulled out his hand held utrasound to hear the heartbeat.  We both thought that we heard something but I'm guessing that it was my heartbeat that he caught.  Then he asked for a larger ultrasound and still couldn't find any heartbeat.  Then he tried the vaginal ultrasound and still nothing.  I had hope because of that glimpse of a sound but he said I should go to radiology after I had my blood drawn for the glucose test and then he would call with results. (my glucose test came back with excellent numbers-I'm not diabetic)

I sat waiting for my turn at the labs..I called my mom and I started crying because I was so nervous.   I text Evan because I didn't want to sob on the phone or make him too nervous when I just didn't know.  I had blood drawn and then went across the street to the grocery store to dilly dally while I waited for 1 hr for the radiologist.  I called my sister Tanya and talked to her for a bit and cried.  I text a couple other sisters and then headed back to kaiser radiology.  We did a tummy ultrasound, I peed and then had another vaginal ultrasound.  This was the LONGEST ultrasound ever.  My legs were shaking towards the end fro being in stirrups so long and I knew she couldn't find the heart rate.  She apologized but said she was so sorry she couldn't find a heartbeat.

I got dressed and walked out crying trying to hold back tears, walked up the stairs, out to the car, got in and started sobbing.  I couldn't stop.  I called Evan and told him they couldn't find the heart beat.  He was so sad.  I called my mom and talked to her for a bit, I just was so sad.  I told my sister Tanya and cried some more.  I decided to drive home so I could be home.  I cried all the way home.  Walked downstairs and Evan just held me while I sobbed.

I went to the bathroom and Lucy came in.  I told her that our baby had to go to Heaven and she was sad but ok.  She hugged me then said I should hurry and get my tummy small again so then I could put another baby in there.

I was telling a few more people in my family and crying and Lucy came up to me and said "Mommy don't cry, I have babies up in my bedroom.  You can have one of those to make you happy" and of course that made me cry more from all her sweetness.

Doctor Payne called me and talked me through it.  He gave me 3 options for my miscarriage and I chose to have a D&C removal since I didn't want to be alone in this and the medical staff could be with me instead of Evan and I dealing with this at home.  It was scheduled for Wednesday in 2 days.

I asked Evan to go pull the baby furniture out of Lucy's room so I didn't have to see it.

Because I had told so many people or they just found out, I wanted to post something on facebook, not news I wished to call everyone about.  What a Monday.  I was so overwhelmed by the response I got.  about a 100 people wrote sweet messages and I cried and cried and had swollen puffy eyes by the end of the night.  I had friends stop by, treats delivered, meals brought in.

FB message:
I have some sad news to share. Today I went in for my 13 week appointment and my OBGYN couldn't find my baby's heartbeat. An hour later I was checked by Radiology and after a long exam there still was no heartbeat. It turns out that shortly after my 8 week appointment when I first saw the baby and heard the heartbeat, that it stopped. (that was after they had suspected I was ectopic, wanted me to miscarry for safety reasons but didn't have to after they found the baby and heartbeat) I am scheduled for a D&C removal on Wednesday and have already felt the love and support of many friends and family today. Because I have started showing and some people knew I was pregnant I just wanted to share what was going on. Evan Biddulph and I would appreciate any prayers and good thoughts for a good surgery, a quick recovery and healing on our hearts. Hopefully we will be able to get pregnant again in the near future.

Later that night I asked Evan to give me a priesthood blessing.  It was one of comfort and peace and reminding me to stay righteous to come unto God to help me get through this. It was a good blessing for me to hear.

Tuesday I had a pre-op appointment to have something put in me to ripen my cervix-starts with an 'L' I can't remember.  He described it as a toothpick with gauze.  We talked, Dr Thomas was hilarious and I didn't cry at the appointment once.  I signed paperwork and drove off.  I stopped at sonic on the way home, parked and went down to have lunch with my family.  I decided to use the restroom really quick and found that I had already started bleeding a lot.  I slept most of the afternoon away.  I had more visitors and more sweet notes.  Evan's mother came over and we went to see The Way Way Back movie, I loved it.  Dr. Gardner(who I know from church as well) called and left the sweetest message while we were at the movie.  I needed that.  He is an inspired man of God.  I wish he didn't have to retire:)  We stopped at King Soopers for groceries and then went to his parents home to have his dad help give me a priesthood blessing.

In the blessing I was told that everything would be ok. That the surgery would be successful and that I would be able to have more babies.  I was blessed with peace and comfort and I felt blessed and happy.  I had cried so much I didn't have too many more tears left.

We got the house ready for Wednesday for the surgery and the babysitter that was coming.  I brushed my teeth then went to the restroom.  I started feeling something weird and the gauze they put in me for my cervix to ripen came out.  I was so shocked and didn't know what to think.  Maybe I was miscarrying already or going into labor.  I called Kaiser and they said I was ok and to try to sleep.

I took down the ultrasound pictures from my board and looked at them one more time.  Saddened that this baby body wasn't formed right and couldn't make it.  We prayed and went to sleep.  So from midnight to 4:45am I woke up way too many times.  We got up, showered, let Karla Nuzman in for babysitting and we left for Kaiser outpatient surgery in Denver.

I had a nice nurse.  He told me of some funny stories while he tried getting a needle in for an iv.  I am a difficult person to get needles into.  He was good though, only had to do it twice.  I was impressed-and now have an awesome bruise from my IV.  The doctor came to say hi to Evan to me before surgery, Dr. Thomas told Evan to let me go home eat anything, watch soap operas, take me to dinner the next day and to buy me diamonds since Mother Nature hadn't been kind to me:)

I walked into surgery, hopped up on the table and then I started to cry and get emotional.  It was so final, I was going to wake up without this baby body in me.   Soon I was passed out and then waking up hearing myself crying.  I heard the doctor tell Evan that I had been trying to be too strong and have a brave face on, that the anesthetic made me release my emotions.  I felt fine, but I felt empty.  I just felt so sad.  It was so final.

I never really felt like I was in pain, only my bum-probably because my legs were in stirrups for so long.  I just was feeling sad and emotional.  And I think the vicodin they gave me made me feel weak and my head heavy.  They said I lost 700 cc of blood(about 23 fl ounces) instead of the normal 100cc they suspected. So I was a little yellow and told to have a high iron diet for a bit.  They also had to go right back in and perform it again because after his original time doing the d&c, he said I was bleeding a lot and he had to go in and scrape out some very difficult tissue that didn't want to come out.

Evan posted an update on FB for me   Hi, this is Evan Biddulph. Hilary's surgery went well - she is sleeping and recovering this afternoon. The doctor anticipated 100 cc of blood lost, but she ended up losing 700 cc of blood, but looks great. She still will be able to have children. She is weak but is healing well. She really appreciates all of your love, supportive comments, thoughts and prayers! 

Everything was ok.  I will be ok.  I was sent home, we stopped for some food to take home(Bombay bowl-like an Indian tokyo joe's) for the medicine I was on.  A new favorite.  We got home a little after noon.  Karla had the kids playing and so happy, she looked tired, and she went home.  I ate lunch, and slept the afternoon away.

I have had an out-pooring of love, meals, friendship, messages, offerings, packages, kind words and more than I could ever ask for.  I think sometimes we get in slumps wondering where we fit in the world, and this sad event has brought me so much love that I think I needed to feel in my life right now.

Besides being swollen with all the fluids they pumped in me, and having a baby tummy with no baby-feeling fat and squishy but will work on that-like Lucy suggested to have a tummy little like hers for a new baby-I really am good.  I almost feel guilty for how ok I am.  Maybe in another day or month, or if it gets brought up I will feel the sadness of the day I miscarried, I might have everything resurface, but I really am ok, at this moment at 10:10am on this day.  I have family coming to town this week for a reunion, meals and friends surrounding me with love.  Messages, calls, etc.  I just feel so taken care of that I can grieve, be sad and be ok.

I think Sunday will be hard, the first time I see a lot of people who know, so I guess I'll carry tissues with me and not wear mascara.  My d&c was done on Pioneer day. It made me think of all the pioneer women traveling by foot, and how many of them suffered miscarriages along the way.  It breaks my heart.  I had so many people tell me of their experiences which has helped heal my heart.  Knowing others have gone through this and have moved on in life is a comfort.

I am thankful for all of you.  I'm thankful for the love and I know because of all of you I will be ok and be able to move on.  I am sorry this body didn't work, and I don't know if the same spirit will be given a new body and try, or if I have to wait until the eternities to meet that member of my family. But I am excited to try again.  The doctor initially said 4-6 weeks and then we could try, but since he had to do extra scraping he said to wait 2 cycles instead of one so my body to properly heal and prep for a new baby.  He also said to say that I need to be seen earlier like 8 and 10 weeks instead of 8 to 13 weeks next pregnancy.  He said that this miscarriage will weigh on me during my next pregnancy and he wants me to have good mental health and having more checks will help with that. I agree-he knows my ocd and paranoia all too well.  I'm grateful to all the medical staff that trained and studied and practiced so they could keep me healthy and protected.  I even had a note from all the nurses and staff of good wishes.

I will be ok, eventually.  Evan and I have each other and Lucy and Peter are angels in our life.  Lucy asked Evan "When the baby was gone were you sad or not?" and Evan said, "I  was sad at first but am happy now".    Lucy reminded me yesterday that the baby was in Heaven but we could be happy.  She will help me to stay happy through this.  She also told me it's time to get my tummy small like hers(as she lifts up her dress to show me) so we can get a baby again, she will be a good reminder for that as well:)

So from swollen eyes to a swollen heart filled with Love I thank all of you for your love and support and I hope that I can return the same to you all in your time of need. I know that this is all in the Lord's timing, we may never understand the "why?" but I feel my Savior's love and know that we will have what we need in our lives when the Lord sees fit to give it to us.  For now I feel the tender mercies that have been given to me and my family.

Sunday, February 03, 2013

New York City!!!! Night 1


Last Fall I got an email from Southwest Airlines announcing some super cheap tickets!!! I emailed Evan and asked if we should book a trip, so an hour later after making some phone calls to my Mother in Law to see if she could watch our kids while we were gone, we booked tickets over a long work free weekend.

The few weeks leading up to the trip were crazy.  We are also getting Lucy tested for Autism, there was tons of sickness that kept sneaking it's way into our lives(preschool for you).  I was worried that Evan and I would die on the airplane and our children would be parent-less.  Silly I know, but thousands of things were running through my head. Not to mention that we were getting the house ready to refinance to a better rate saving us a couple hundred on our mortgage each month.  Too much on our plate.

The day arrived, Evan was going to work and I was going to pick him up at school and drive to the airport.  Since Lucy had had tummy issues, I decided to give he a laxative the night before.  Her tummy looked like a soccer ball, it was crazy.  The next morning we woke up to the foulest smell.  I apparently gave her too much laxative, and her entire body and bed were covered.  12 loads of laundry and stuffed animals later, her bed was made and Lucy had a flat tummy again, no more constipation:)  I got everything ready for Betty and kept crying, got in the car and we drove off to the aiport, I couldn't stop crying.  Before I walked out, Lucy cried asking me why I had to go, and told me she didn't want me to leave..that was rough.

We had plenty of time so we grabbed a plate of nachos to share and then boarded the airplane. I cried some more. We got on the plane and realized that since we didn't have kids with us we didn't plan anything to do for the 3-1/2 plane ride.  Skymall got boring quickly.  We had fun mixing juice and gingerale and then we both had a little nap and at the very end the plane decided to get really bumpy, and of course I cried a little and held Evan's hand.  But we made it, it was all good.

 We had a great view from the plane and before we took off we made 2 little videos for Lucy and Peter:)

We got off the plane, booked our shuttle ride, and made it to NEW YORK CITY!  We got of the shuttle and walked a mile to the hotel.  It was a nice walk, cold and breezy but we were starting to forget our stresses.

We got to the PARK CENTRAL HOTEL!  It was in view of Time Square, just below Central Park and across from Carnagie Hall.  There was a mix up with our room, but we finally got in. Dropped off our stuff and left to go get some food:) Falafel and a Delicious burger..seriously so yummy! We went to bed at 2am, midnight Denver time.  Great day of traveling, great time alone with Evan, and the first night of our 5 day and 4 night trip:)


Thursday, January 03, 2013

Mommy, I was washing Peter...Mommy lessons

Lucy, Peter and I all took LONG Late afternoon naps while Evan was out all day.  I woke up first, then Lucy and eventually Peter.  Since Lucy is becoming more helpful and a big kid now, she likes to help open Peter's door when he wakes up.  She let him out, and Peter was still half asleep I think.  He walked right past me-sitting on the couch in the living room-right into the kitchen, and then I heard a THUD and crying.

Peter must have slipped or tripped and was sad, crying and laying on his blanket.  I picked him up, tried consoling him while I was cooking but still the tears.  4 gogurts later he was finally not crying and a little better.  THEN something set him off again and I decided to put him in the bathtub, an almost instant soother for him.  Lucy wanted a bath too so they both got in.

They often bathe together and I sit in the hall or living room-just around the corner-listening to them until it's time to wash and get out.  All of a sudden I heard Peter screaming and crying, I called out to Lucy but she didn't respond.  I called 2 more times and went in.  I spotted Lucy with a bottle aimed at Peter and guessed that she had squirted him, causing the tears.  So being tired, impatient and frustrated with all the tears and Lucy, "being mean"-in my assuming eyes, I grabbed the squirt bottle, squirted her and then had 2 crying children.

I left the room because I figured they would stop crying and I didn't want to hear it, 5 minutes passed and it didn't stop.  I went in and explained to Lucy that she can't squirt him, and it wasn't nice-like what I just did was nice, can I just say best mom of the year award.  Seriously, I don't know why I did that.

I took Peter out, then Lucy and let them both dry in towels sitting on the couch together watching cartoons.  I dressed them both and they went on their merry way.

Minutes later I was cleaning the kitchen and Lucy came in and said, "Mommy, I was washing Peter"  She looked a little sad. And it clicked.  I assumed she was being mean but she was trying to be a big kid and clean and help Peter in the tub.  "Oh, you were cleaning and spraying Peter to wash him in the tub?"  "Yes Mommy, I sprayed him to wash him".  I apologized for getting mad and spraying her.  We talked about how only mommy should wash him, and that it was a nice thing that she wanted to help him but that he gets scared when sprayed.

Sheesh! We are all learning and growing.  I guess having Evan gone all day, being tired, and every other excuse I could say still doesn't justify my lack in patience and kindness.  Tomorrow is another day and I will work on being slower to assume, and even though I thought squirting Lucy to teach her a lesson wasn't harmful, it was.  Maybe not physically, but emotionally not a good idea.  I should have resolved it a better way to set an example of how to behave.

Mommy lessons.

The next few hours they played beautifully, hugged, kissed, shared toys, shared food, giggled, crab walked, danced.  I liked that our night took a turn for the better.  Evan got home at 10:30, our schedule is off.  We will figure it out.  Tomorrow we start "fresh", Lucy's favorite new word:)

Friday, October 26, 2012

School Photos

I love School Photos!! I was so worried about Lucy and Peter getting school pictures because they sometimes give the craziest faces when asked to pose.  BUT whoever their photographers were did an awesome job! I wish I could buy all of them but I can't.  Here are the choices:

Peter 2 yrs old
Lucy 3 yrs old

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Drama: A time in your life when you walk away

My sister sent this quote to me, I love it and I've needed it! “There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.” ― José N. Harris, MI VIDA

She told this to me months ago, and it has been resurfacing in my mind over and over since then.

The last year or two have been challenging for me.  A good friend of mine and her family were hurt and betrayed and have gone through more trials than anyone would ever want in a year.  The people that have hurt them continue to live their lives and their choices continue to hurt or haunt the people I love.  It doesn't seem fair, there seems no way to stop it, and I just wish I could take away their pain and stop the hurt, but I don't have that power.  It is the Lord who will do that.  And it's taken me too long to learn that.

Even though this is not my trial, it has affected me more than I'd like to admit.  I have felt feelings of anger, disappointment, disgust, betrayal, sadness, guilt, and many others.  I don't like having ill feelings towards people, but for some reason I couldn't shake this.  Every time I would feel guilty, thinking, I'm not the type of person that let's things like this get to me.  This was not normal Hilary thoughts and feelings.  I should just let it go, but then something else would happen and it would get to me all over again.  Anyway, through prayer and talking to my sister and mom and knowing that the atonement is real, I know that I can move on from the hurt that was caused and be who I need to be.  That is why I like the quote. “There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.” 

I tried making amends with parties involved, but I was brushed aside and the hurt continues to happen.  So what are my choices?  The only choice I see is to follow what the quote says, and walk away from them and the drama caused.  I need to start living my life a little better, striving for more happiness, a closer relationship to my Heavenly Father and keeping my priorities straight.  I think Satan wants me to dwell in the drama and be brought down, but I'm not letting it.  With time things heal, and I think that with time I have learned that I need to use the atonement in my life to help me stay happy, repent, move on etc.  I need to not let other's mistakes affect me so much.  I am a bystander, nothing else.

I guess I've learned that while Jesus suffered all the pains of the world, we have the atonement and I am not meant to suffer for others sins or mistakes. But I can learn to stay closer to the Lord and become more of who I need to become.  Instead of shutting down for another year, I need to grow and be the person I need to be.  I feel badly for the parties involved, I wish them the best, I pray for them, I hope at some point we can sit in the same room and smile at each other, but for now.  I am shifting priorities-to important ones that will help me reach my eternal goals.

I know blogs are supposed to be happy and cheery, but this is one I think I will need to read and look back on, to see where I was and see my progress along the way.  I want to show that everything doesn't have to be perfect and we can learn from our mistakes.  I want my children to know the trials I have been through.  I want to show that by surrounding yourself with people who uplift and make you happy that you can have a happier life.  I want a happier life, and I want to teach my children how to do that. 

A few things that I am going to gear up for making my New Years Resolutions.  

Attend the temple more frequently

Reading Scriptures more diligently and with purpose
Being more fervent in my prayers
Making my children, Husband and self my top priorities
Eating and exercising better
Better relationships with my siblings

Lesson learned, don't take on other's drama and sadness, be there for them, pray for them etc.  Know that the Lord is in their lives looking over them.  Surround with friends and loved ones that uplift etc.  Life is good, it's short, there are so many things to learn and experience.  Stop wasting life on drama, sadness etc.  Be happy, count blessings and be a blessing for others without becoming a crutch or punching bag.

I love my family! I'm grateful to be a mom and wife and friend.  I'm grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ in my life. I a grateful for repentance and forgiveness.  I'm grateful for today and tomorrow and the days I have to become better.  I'm grateful to have the Holy Ghost as my guide and need to be more worthy of His comfort.

I have to say that I am much happier that I have been in this aspect of my life.  The last year was a long one emotionally, thankfully I have a great husband who has stuck by me during tears, sadness or any other emotion and has supported me.  I needed it.  He makes me better.  I need his patience and love in my life.  

And of course a song that has helped me in my life throughout, and I know some people don't like David Archuleta, but here is his version I found on youtube that I liked.

Be Still My Soul sang by David Archuleta

Sunday, September 30, 2012


 This year has been kind of a crazy year.  In March we found out Peter has Autism and that means that we are super blessed and do and view things so differently.  Let me start from the beginning.

Peter started out his life in the NICU and has had a few surgeries, sleep studies, oxygen tanks, trials etc.  He has always been so amazing and strong and even before he was born I received a priesthood blessing the night before he was born.  What I remember from the blessing was that I would be safe in my delivery and that I needed to prepare for a strong child that was going to be born into our family.  He would be amazing and have lots of purpose.  That he would be important and have a mission for this life.  I can't ever stop thinking about the feelings of greatness I felt about Peter.  I needed to be a good mom to help support this Child of our Heavenly Father that was going to be mine.

He was born a large baby with a large personality.  He is super sweet and kind and smiles and jokes. Peter is sneaky and loving.  He wants hugs and kisses, he wants the world to be happy.

Lucy walked late, so we figured Peter would follow after her example of walking at 15 months I think?  That came and went and he was still not walking, besides the feeding therapy that he was getting, he started getting Occupational Therapy to help teach him to crawl and move and do something other than just sit and watch.  At his 18 month appointment the doctor suggested we get him evaluated at the developmental dept to just make sure things were where they should be.

After a HORRIBLE evaluation (I have strong feelings about the doctors and how their practices weren't where they should be)  they suggested to me that he should be evaluated for Autism.  That was such a HUGE thing to hear, too much for me to hear after that horrible evaluation, I sat in my car and cried before I could drive home.  I called Evan, I cried some more, then wiped my tears, and drove home 40 minutes, crying all the way home.

It was a lot to take in, and I didn't understand what they were telling me and I didn't like how we were treated and thought they were incompetent and couldn't understand why they would suggest he was autistic.  From what I knew about autism didn't match Peter.

So because Peter was so young, the JFK Partners(behind Children's Hospital) was able to get him right in for another evaluation.  It was a night and day difference of an evaluation, I went in one day on my own to answer 2 hours worth of questions, Peter went in the 2nd time and it was a great eval.  Our third visit in is where Lucy, Peter, Evan and I went in and talked to Dr. Lindsey Washington.  She told us that he was Autistic.

I CRIED.  I mean, I really cried.  I cried so much that I couldn't talk.  I couldn't believe that the diagnosis was real.  I couldn't believe that Peter was autistic. I didn't know what that meant, what should I do, how was I going to tell people. How would I cope.  What did that mean for Peter. For his future. Would girls want to date and kiss him, would they want to hold his hand.  Would he get hired or into college.  Would people treat him differently or brush him to the side.  Would his symptoms get worse.  What was I going to do?

We left the office.  There was a staff meeting that had extra box lunches and they shared with us.  We went outside and there was an enormous Ball statue.  Peter loves balls-maybe obsesses on them(bubbles too), a symptom of autism-not just a toddler old boy thing.  I called my mom and cried while Lucy, Peter and Evan played around the ball.  I cried some more.  I hugged Peter lots.  We ate our sandwiches in the car and drove home.

What comes next, it almost seems like a blur.  We were sent tons of information and I didn't know how to make sense of any of it.  Since he was already getting some therapy, he started speech and social/developmental therapy too.  He loves his 3 therapists that come to our home each week.  I started telling people, but couldn't stop myself from crying each time.  I am better now.  I told someone last night and felt the emotion of crying, but nothing came out.

We started him in a 2 day preschool program that has encouraged him in ways I never knew could happen.  He is awesome.  He signs and says "thank you, more, all done, please, bye and hi".  He is so proud of himself when he does and it makes us all happy.  He dances, tries to sing in his own way, plays at the piano, loves, Mickey Mouse, Caillou, and most cartoons.  He needs lots of vestibular and proprioseptive input with his sensory diet to help him function throughout the day.  He wears a weighted vest that helps his body calm down. He loves to me scratched and massaged.  He is so cute when he says shoe.
Peter is one special kid.  He doesn't run and jump like other 2 year olds (he turned two in June-we took a trip to San Francisco).  He reads tons of books and likes to build things.  He can count to ten and gives the best hugs around!  He is full of emotion and has lots of compassion. He is smart and very logical about his actions. Peter is funny to watch when eating food that doesn't fit on his sensory palate, like rice or something not on his list of foods.  He carries his brown blanket with him everywhere and is starting to run faster than me.

We will retest Peter in a couple years to see where he is on the spectrum.  For now, we just live life one day, sometimes one hour at a time.  He loves and is blessed by his therapist and preschool teachers.  He plays so well with Lucy and TJ(the kid I babysit).

I joined a mom autism support group.  Sarah Easton taught me about the group.  I've been one time and loved it!  I cried half of the first time I went because I was so full of emotions.

I'm still learning what Peter needs, but for now, Evan and I can't get enough of him.  We love him and are so grateful he is in our family.  I'm sure I have tons more to add, that will come later-I've got to get better about blogging again for journaling sake.