Swollen eyes and heart

I am swollen with gratitude for all the love and support I have received over the last week.

Evan and I were planning to see fertility doctors this summer after trying to get pregnant for a year and a half.  I had been working on losing weight(40 lbs so far in a year) so that I could have an easier pregnancy.  We found out we were pregnant in May and were so elated and happy and surprised.

I start showing right away and I just was so excited I started to tell people.  Eventually I just looked pregnant and it was hard to not have people know.  I had some spotting and they had me go in at 5/6ish weeks.  They couldn't find a baby but saw a sac.  I was scared and cried and was told to go to radiology to get a better ultrasound.  The doctor thought I was ectopic(baby in my tubes) but my test results showed that it shouldn't be that way but there was still no baby to be seen.

I had a lot of blood work done, and they said my levels were so high I might have twins.  Because I wasn't bleeding or in pain they let me wait for a few days to get checked again before having me miscarry for a life and death situation that an ectopic pregnancy can put you in.  A few days later, prayers, lots of tears and sadness, Evan and I went in.  There was a baby! I heard a heart beat.  We were so relieved and happy and were happy to move forward.  Lucy and I had been using my phone apps for  baby progress so she could imagine the baby growing, etc.

A week or two later at 8 weeks I went to a real OB appt.  They saw the baby, printed out some pictures for me of the baby and images of the heartbeat.  I was told because of my past two pregnancies, my size, my history I was high risk and would only be seeing the doctors and perinatologist instead of the Pa or nurses.

My next appointment would be the day I turned 13 weeks so I could have Dr. Payne who I wanted to see.  I started thinking that this pregnancy thing was pretty good. I was tired, had to eat every couple hours, emotional, irritable, all the fun pregnancy symptoms but I didn't feel down and out like I had with Lucy and Peter and other symptoms that I had with those two.  I would tell Evan I didn't feel pregnant and wondered if there was still a baby in there. He said I just shouldn't talk that way but it was hard since I had the scare of an ectopic pregnancy and then didn't feel the same-and I get paranoid and ocd.

I continued at my pachanga class, eating well, swimming, walking etc.  Evan was supportive.  I bought maternity clothes which I was so excited for since I had been in the 18+ and higher and now I was fitting size 14 maternity clothes.  My friend offered some clothes to me, that was so exciting because I hadn't been offered clothes before since I was always bigger than everyone.

We had our 7th wedding anniversary July 21st which is incredible to me.  We went to dinner, our babysitter wouldn't let us pay her and we took some pictures together, one of which was a belly shot I was going to use to announce pregnancy on facebook after my appointment Monday.

I went in to my appointment.  Happy, feeling silly I ate so much for the anniversary weekend and knowing I was going to be 2 lbs up since my 8 week appointment..I was trying so hard not to gain weight.  I got weighed in.  The nurse Tish was so nice.  I drank my glucose juice(I had to do that since I had gestational diabetes with Peter) and waited for my new doctor (Dr. Gardner retired).  Dr. Simon Payne.  He is incredible, head of the department and one of the best at what he does-why I wanted him.  One of the kindest men/doctors that I have met..I'm glad I transitioned to him because Dr. Gardner was one of the best.

We talked about worries, things to do, etc.  Then he pulled out his hand held utrasound to hear the heartbeat.  We both thought that we heard something but I'm guessing that it was my heartbeat that he caught.  Then he asked for a larger ultrasound and still couldn't find any heartbeat.  Then he tried the vaginal ultrasound and still nothing.  I had hope because of that glimpse of a sound but he said I should go to radiology after I had my blood drawn for the glucose test and then he would call with results. (my glucose test came back with excellent numbers-I'm not diabetic)

I sat waiting for my turn at the labs..I called my mom and I started crying because I was so nervous.   I text Evan because I didn't want to sob on the phone or make him too nervous when I just didn't know.  I had blood drawn and then went across the street to the grocery store to dilly dally while I waited for 1 hr for the radiologist.  I called my sister Tanya and talked to her for a bit and cried.  I text a couple other sisters and then headed back to kaiser radiology.  We did a tummy ultrasound, I peed and then had another vaginal ultrasound.  This was the LONGEST ultrasound ever.  My legs were shaking towards the end fro being in stirrups so long and I knew she couldn't find the heart rate.  She apologized but said she was so sorry she couldn't find a heartbeat.

I got dressed and walked out crying trying to hold back tears, walked up the stairs, out to the car, got in and started sobbing.  I couldn't stop.  I called Evan and told him they couldn't find the heart beat.  He was so sad.  I called my mom and talked to her for a bit, I just was so sad.  I told my sister Tanya and cried some more.  I decided to drive home so I could be home.  I cried all the way home.  Walked downstairs and Evan just held me while I sobbed.

I went to the bathroom and Lucy came in.  I told her that our baby had to go to Heaven and she was sad but ok.  She hugged me then said I should hurry and get my tummy small again so then I could put another baby in there.

I was telling a few more people in my family and crying and Lucy came up to me and said "Mommy don't cry, I have babies up in my bedroom.  You can have one of those to make you happy" and of course that made me cry more from all her sweetness.

Doctor Payne called me and talked me through it.  He gave me 3 options for my miscarriage and I chose to have a D&C removal since I didn't want to be alone in this and the medical staff could be with me instead of Evan and I dealing with this at home.  It was scheduled for Wednesday in 2 days.

I asked Evan to go pull the baby furniture out of Lucy's room so I didn't have to see it.

Because I had told so many people or they just found out, I wanted to post something on facebook, not news I wished to call everyone about.  What a Monday.  I was so overwhelmed by the response I got.  about a 100 people wrote sweet messages and I cried and cried and had swollen puffy eyes by the end of the night.  I had friends stop by, treats delivered, meals brought in.

FB message:
I have some sad news to share. Today I went in for my 13 week appointment and my OBGYN couldn't find my baby's heartbeat. An hour later I was checked by Radiology and after a long exam there still was no heartbeat. It turns out that shortly after my 8 week appointment when I first saw the baby and heard the heartbeat, that it stopped. (that was after they had suspected I was ectopic, wanted me to miscarry for safety reasons but didn't have to after they found the baby and heartbeat) I am scheduled for a D&C removal on Wednesday and have already felt the love and support of many friends and family today. Because I have started showing and some people knew I was pregnant I just wanted to share what was going on. Evan Biddulph and I would appreciate any prayers and good thoughts for a good surgery, a quick recovery and healing on our hearts. Hopefully we will be able to get pregnant again in the near future.

Later that night I asked Evan to give me a priesthood blessing.  It was one of comfort and peace and reminding me to stay righteous to come unto God to help me get through this. It was a good blessing for me to hear.

Tuesday I had a pre-op appointment to have something put in me to ripen my cervix-starts with an 'L' I can't remember.  He described it as a toothpick with gauze.  We talked, Dr Thomas was hilarious and I didn't cry at the appointment once.  I signed paperwork and drove off.  I stopped at sonic on the way home, parked and went down to have lunch with my family.  I decided to use the restroom really quick and found that I had already started bleeding a lot.  I slept most of the afternoon away.  I had more visitors and more sweet notes.  Evan's mother came over and we went to see The Way Way Back movie, I loved it.  Dr. Gardner(who I know from church as well) called and left the sweetest message while we were at the movie.  I needed that.  He is an inspired man of God.  I wish he didn't have to retire:)  We stopped at King Soopers for groceries and then went to his parents home to have his dad help give me a priesthood blessing.

In the blessing I was told that everything would be ok. That the surgery would be successful and that I would be able to have more babies.  I was blessed with peace and comfort and I felt blessed and happy.  I had cried so much I didn't have too many more tears left.

We got the house ready for Wednesday for the surgery and the babysitter that was coming.  I brushed my teeth then went to the restroom.  I started feeling something weird and the gauze they put in me for my cervix to ripen came out.  I was so shocked and didn't know what to think.  Maybe I was miscarrying already or going into labor.  I called Kaiser and they said I was ok and to try to sleep.

I took down the ultrasound pictures from my board and looked at them one more time.  Saddened that this baby body wasn't formed right and couldn't make it.  We prayed and went to sleep.  So from midnight to 4:45am I woke up way too many times.  We got up, showered, let Karla Nuzman in for babysitting and we left for Kaiser outpatient surgery in Denver.

I had a nice nurse.  He told me of some funny stories while he tried getting a needle in for an iv.  I am a difficult person to get needles into.  He was good though, only had to do it twice.  I was impressed-and now have an awesome bruise from my IV.  The doctor came to say hi to Evan to me before surgery, Dr. Thomas told Evan to let me go home eat anything, watch soap operas, take me to dinner the next day and to buy me diamonds since Mother Nature hadn't been kind to me:)

I walked into surgery, hopped up on the table and then I started to cry and get emotional.  It was so final, I was going to wake up without this baby body in me.   Soon I was passed out and then waking up hearing myself crying.  I heard the doctor tell Evan that I had been trying to be too strong and have a brave face on, that the anesthetic made me release my emotions.  I felt fine, but I felt empty.  I just felt so sad.  It was so final.

I never really felt like I was in pain, only my bum-probably because my legs were in stirrups for so long.  I just was feeling sad and emotional.  And I think the vicodin they gave me made me feel weak and my head heavy.  They said I lost 700 cc of blood(about 23 fl ounces) instead of the normal 100cc they suspected. So I was a little yellow and told to have a high iron diet for a bit.  They also had to go right back in and perform it again because after his original time doing the d&c, he said I was bleeding a lot and he had to go in and scrape out some very difficult tissue that didn't want to come out.

Evan posted an update on FB for me   Hi, this is Evan Biddulph. Hilary's surgery went well - she is sleeping and recovering this afternoon. The doctor anticipated 100 cc of blood lost, but she ended up losing 700 cc of blood, but looks great. She still will be able to have children. She is weak but is healing well. She really appreciates all of your love, supportive comments, thoughts and prayers! 

Everything was ok.  I will be ok.  I was sent home, we stopped for some food to take home(Bombay bowl-like an Indian tokyo joe's) for the medicine I was on.  A new favorite.  We got home a little after noon.  Karla had the kids playing and so happy, she looked tired, and she went home.  I ate lunch, and slept the afternoon away.

I have had an out-pooring of love, meals, friendship, messages, offerings, packages, kind words and more than I could ever ask for.  I think sometimes we get in slumps wondering where we fit in the world, and this sad event has brought me so much love that I think I needed to feel in my life right now.

Besides being swollen with all the fluids they pumped in me, and having a baby tummy with no baby-feeling fat and squishy but will work on that-like Lucy suggested to have a tummy little like hers for a new baby-I really am good.  I almost feel guilty for how ok I am.  Maybe in another day or month, or if it gets brought up I will feel the sadness of the day I miscarried, I might have everything resurface, but I really am ok, at this moment at 10:10am on this day.  I have family coming to town this week for a reunion, meals and friends surrounding me with love.  Messages, calls, etc.  I just feel so taken care of that I can grieve, be sad and be ok.

I think Sunday will be hard, the first time I see a lot of people who know, so I guess I'll carry tissues with me and not wear mascara.  My d&c was done on Pioneer day. It made me think of all the pioneer women traveling by foot, and how many of them suffered miscarriages along the way.  It breaks my heart.  I had so many people tell me of their experiences which has helped heal my heart.  Knowing others have gone through this and have moved on in life is a comfort.

I am thankful for all of you.  I'm thankful for the love and I know because of all of you I will be ok and be able to move on.  I am sorry this body didn't work, and I don't know if the same spirit will be given a new body and try, or if I have to wait until the eternities to meet that member of my family. But I am excited to try again.  The doctor initially said 4-6 weeks and then we could try, but since he had to do extra scraping he said to wait 2 cycles instead of one so my body to properly heal and prep for a new baby.  He also said to say that I need to be seen earlier like 8 and 10 weeks instead of 8 to 13 weeks next pregnancy.  He said that this miscarriage will weigh on me during my next pregnancy and he wants me to have good mental health and having more checks will help with that. I agree-he knows my ocd and paranoia all too well.  I'm grateful to all the medical staff that trained and studied and practiced so they could keep me healthy and protected.  I even had a note from all the nurses and staff of good wishes.

I will be ok, eventually.  Evan and I have each other and Lucy and Peter are angels in our life.  Lucy asked Evan "When the baby was gone were you sad or not?" and Evan said, "I  was sad at first but am happy now".    Lucy reminded me yesterday that the baby was in Heaven but we could be happy.  She will help me to stay happy through this.  She also told me it's time to get my tummy small like hers(as she lifts up her dress to show me) so we can get a baby again, she will be a good reminder for that as well:)

So from swollen eyes to a swollen heart filled with Love I thank all of you for your love and support and I hope that I can return the same to you all in your time of need. I know that this is all in the Lord's timing, we may never understand the "why?" but I feel my Savior's love and know that we will have what we need in our lives when the Lord sees fit to give it to us.  For now I feel the tender mercies that have been given to me and my family.